Michael Koelling: 10 things your teenager hates about you

Ten Mistakes Parents Make with Teenagers–People-Employers-Teachers-Principals-Counselors-Coaches-Youth Pastors.

· We have all made these mistakes, make these mistakes, and will continue to make these mistakes.

· Our purpose is to get us to recognize these enemies and make the effort to fight all these enemies away.

· Teenagers have listened to so many influences for the past 17 to 18 years about everything they are supposed to do or be. We have to honor them in their life, their progress, their spirituality, and their God mission.

· Our enemy’s purpose is so clear.

John 10:10 “The thief's purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.”

#1 Teenagers Hate Inconsistency: Failure to Be a Consistent Model

· How many of you hated when your parents said, “"Do as I say, not as I do."

· I hated their inconsistencies.

o I wanted a path to follow not several. S tudents appreciate the truth.

o They will hear it, accept it then abide by it if they see it working in your life and if you are willing to patiently, mercifully, guide them into it. I promise.

§ It’s consistency that has done the miraculous in our lives and ministry.

§ It’s consistency that our students see that has made them desire the same in their lives.

o Parents who fail to be consistent will raise inconsistent students.

§ Inconsistent in their careers, their relationships, their attendance, their bill paying, their spirituality, and in every area of their lives.

§ God has placed us in the lives of our students to guide them…in…every…thing.

§ Consistency changes lives.

Galatians 6:4 “Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won't need to compare yourself to anyone else. 5 For we are each responsible for our own conduct. 6 Those who are taught the word of God should provide for their teachers, sharing all good things with them. 7 Don't be misled—you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant. 8 Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit. 9 So let's not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't give up.”

#2 Teenagers Hate when you act as if you are never wrong: Failure to admit when you are wrong.

· "I'm the adult. I'm right."

o I can not tell you how many times I have gone to my sons to ask for their forgiveness.

o I make many mistakes as a parent but I realize that my sons respect me for being able to say I’m wrong a whole lot more than if I act as if I’m perfect through every circumstance.

· I have seen that through my experience with my own parents.

· After admitting that you’re wrong repent and move on.

· Admission is the first step to healing but there are more steps.

o Adulthood does not create maturity.

#3 Teenagers Hate Dishonesty: Failure to give honest answers to honest questions.

· "Because I said so, that's why."

· Even though they’ll use it on you they hate when it’s used on them.

o Teach them how horrible it feels when you’re lied to.

· Sneakiness is forbidden in our home.

o Tell me the truth. I can handle anything as long as it’s the truth.

#4 Teenagers Hate when they can’t dream for themselves: Failure to Let Your Teenager Develop a Personal Identity

· "You want to be what?"

· My wife and I had a student that was driven to succeed by his parents and their education regiment. I am not against education at all I’m a huge advocate but when God speaks to a student, a person young or old I desire them to pay attention and listen to His voice.

o He told them about the call that he felt God had upon his life, they laughed at him, then scorned him, and finally told him that his idea was completely ridiculous and that there was no way he would be in ministry.

o He deals with frustration, disappointment, shame, when he could have been receiving their blessing, their prayers, and their support instead.

· They are Christians.

· He, after many years of fighting off their discouragement is in ministry touching many, many lives every day.

· He may not be rich, he might not be what they called him to be but I believe he honors them every moment in a godly way by following the voice of God.

#5 Teenagers Hate when you don’t acknowledge the Good: Failure to Major on the Majors and Minor on the Minors

· "This room is a pig sty!"

· Nice job cutting the grass. It’s looks okay…if you’re blind.

o No matter what stage a student is in their training and upbringing we have to encourage and acknowledge the wins.

o We also must discipline, in a godly way. Never provoke our children to wrath.

Ephesians 6:1 “Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord, for this is the right thing to do. 2 "Honor your father and mother." This is the first commandment with a promise: 3 If you honor your father and mother, "things will go well for you, and you will have a long life on the earth." 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.”

· Of all the people in a student’s life the most influential is the parent. Tell them you love them, tell them you’re proud of them, and tell them how amazing they are cause at the end of the day that’s what they are looking for.

o I just needed some affirmation.

AFFIRM-validate, confirm: to state positively: to assert: to express dedication to.

#6 Teenagers hate that adults refuse to love beyond performance: Failure to Communicate Approval and Acceptance

· "Can't you do anything right?"

Ephesians 6:4 “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.”

· God has given us power but power in the bible should never be abused.

o Our children are an extension of us in body, mind, soul and spirit so God desires us to treat them with nurture, respect, tenderness, and love.

o When you caution them, when you counsel them, when you reprove them do it in such a manner as to not provoke them to wrath(stir up purposefully-inciting anger) but endeavor to convince their decisions and work upon their reason.

#7 Teenagers hate when you judge their friends: Failure to Approve Your Teenager's Friends

· "Where did you find him?"

o Teenagers hate lectures.

o Your student wants you to trust their decision making process.

· Trust the people they have around them until you have a reason not to.

· And then help your student make the right decisions with their friends.

· If there is influence that you see that is harmful speak up but realize that your student could be rubbing off on them in a positive way as well.

· If you’re communicating well with your student then you’ll know what’s up and if you don’t then the communication breakdown needs to be addressed.

o Know them know all the things about their friends not just what you think you see but have them around you to really see their friends.

· Invite them to your house and then don’t be a jerk the whole time they’re there.

#8 Teenagers hate that perfection is the requirement: Failure to Give Your Teenager the Right to Fail

· "You did what?"

· You are a child of God and you are the son of a pastor you will not act like that, ever. You will be perfect.

o I promise this will do more harm than good. I’ve seen so many students destroyed in this very manner.

o There are better ways to say “Hey is that really the image that you want to portray to the world of the Christ that lives in you?”

· Get them thinking and reacting on their on.

· When we treat them this way our actions are no better than theirs because we’re having a judgmental attitude toward their actions.

· As parents we are to teach, train, and disciple not brow beat them into the image of our likeness.

· Give them room to fail. Then teach them to fail forward.

· Grace-The view that Christians have on grace is that it is undeserved mercy that God gave to us by sending His son to die on a cross to give us a way to be with Him for the balance of eternity.

· Mercy-Compassionate behavior on the part of those in power.

· Grace and mercy is room to fail.

1 John 1:9 “But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. 10 If we claim we have not sinned, we are calling God a liar and showing that his word has no place in our hearts.”

Consider the kinds of people God has hired onto His staff team over the centuries from this very familiar list:

· Noah was a drunk (Gen 9:21)

· Jacob was a liar (Gen. 27)

· Leah was ugly (Gen. 29:16-18)

· Joseph was abused (Gen. 37:22-28)

· Moses had a stuttering problem (Exodus 4:10)

· Gideon was afraid (Judg. 6:15)

· Samson had long hair and was a womanizer (Judg. 16:5-17)

· Rahab was a harlot (Josh. 2:1)

· Jeremiah and Timothy were too young (Jer. 1:6)

· David had an affair and was a murderer (II Sam. 11:2-4&14-17)

· Elijah was suicidal (I Kings 19:4)

· Isaiah preached naked (Isaiah 20:2)

· Jonah ran from God (Jonah 1:3)

· Naomi was a widow (Ruth 1:3)

· Job went bankrupt (Job 1:21)

· Peter denied Christ…several times (3x) (Mark 14:71)

· The disciples fell asleep while praying (Matt. 26:40)

· The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once (John 4:17-18)

· Zaccheus was too small (Luke 19:2-3)

· Paul was too religious (Acts 22:1-5)

· Timothy had an ulcer (I Tim. 5:23)

· Lazarus was dead (John 11)

#9 Teenagers hate that they can’t ask questions: Failure to Discuss the Uncomfortable

· "Do you mind if we talk about something else?"

· There are some things that must be discussed in the home.

o Do not wait until your son/daughter is in college, in a marriage, in a relationship that has gone too far, or in a financial crisis before you talk about the uncomfortable.

Proverbs 22:6 “Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it.”

· Train them up in every aspect of their lives not just the spiritual.

o Students want you to talk to them about the everyday. They want you to ask the hard questions.

o They want to trust you with the mistakes they have made and are going to make.

#10 Teenagers hate that they can’t ever come first: Failure to Take Time.

· "I'm kind of busy right now. Could you come back later?"

· There are more important things in your life besides your career, your finances, your retirement, your friends, or your hobbies.

o You must make the efforts to succeed in their lives no matter their age.

§ I want my kids to come to me at all stages of their lives knowing they can trust me to hear them out then help them make decisions.

o If you continue to put your students life, hobbies, recreation, sports, school work, friends, interests, or your love for them on the back burner when you get time they will be no where around.

o Students want you to be interested in the things they are interested in not so you can join them in their passions but to again affirm them.